The Sense of Danger. Part 1

Hi people!! feel free to comment tell me if i have bad grammar because I'm practising grammar. :D

At this quiet day you hardly hear anything. There were no people outside shops, shops are closed, curtains covering the windows and parks are locked. So quiet most of the people at this neighbourhood know whats happening except for on man named Steve he is a 21 year old man he doesn't have a mother or father they died no one knows how they died but he is looking for clues.

He starts at his neighbour, Steve doesn't really know their neighbour that much but he is confident to knock the door, *knock knock knock* the door went but no one replied, after a few minutes Steve heard something "GO AWAY!!! Can't you see there is danger?" said the weird voice. "No! I can see no danger sir." no one replied, so Steve waited and waited, but still there were no reply. as he continues to walk he heard a strange sound behind him. Steve ran until halfway of the neighbourhood he fell down. "PISS OFF YOU BLOODY STRANGER!!!!" Steve shouted angrily."don't worry i'll help you said this stranger with black jeans, with black jersey on and has brown hair. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "No need to shout or else the neighbour hood will yell at us. Anyways there's only us three here[i]." "Us three? so whose the other person then the other person?"

to be continued.....

I haven't really finished this story yet so I'm separating them and feel free to comment. :D

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
kaitlyn
Review

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

At this quiet day you hardly hear anything. There were no people outside shops, shops are closed, curtains covering the windows and parks are locked. So quiet most of the people at this neighbourhood know whats happening except for on man named Steve he is a 21 year old man he doesn't have a mother or father they died no one knows how they died but he is looking for clues.

He starts at his neighbour, Steve doesn't really know their neighbour that much but he is confident to knock the door, *knock knock knock* the door went but no one replied, after a few minutes Steve heard something "GO AWAY!!! Can't you see there is danger?" said the weird voice. "No! I can see no danger sir." no one replied, so Steve waited and waited, but still there were no reply. as he continues to walk he heard a strange sound behind him. Steve ran until halfway of the neighbourhood he fell down. "PISS OFF YOU BLOODY STRANGER!!!!" Steve shouted angrily."don't worry i'll help you said this stranger with black jeans, with black jersey on and has brown hair. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "No need to shout or else the neighbour hood will yell at us. Anyways there's only us three here[i]." "Us three? so whose the other person then the other person?"


OKayyy...well this is certainly quite an intriguing piece here. It's a rather short piece and I can see that this is perhaps a bit incomplete here considering the ending is quite abrupt and doesn't really feel like all that much of an ending there...but on first glance here, it does seem like it is headed towards a somewhat intriguing premise although the main premise itself is a little unclear here.

Zooming in on things a little more, Steve's backstory there, at least the little hint at it that we get here is quite intriguing but I feel it breaks the flow there a little. It isn't really that long, but there's a bit of a stiffness that makes this scene feel more infodumpy than it really should be and I think perhaps a bit of a rephrase there could work wonders to change that because this really isn't too much information, it simply sounds that way from the way things are written there.

Overall though this is a piece that certainly has quite a bit of potential. It just needs to be helped a bit along the way and of course completing the idea that was started here would also help quite a bit in that area.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

User avatar
Lilicia
Review
Lilicia wrote a review · Fri Jul 17, 2009 4:42 pm

Hello there!
This is very short, so I can't do a proper review - but I can point out the mistakes:

At this quiet day you hardly hear anything.


This needs rephrasing - at the moment it doesn't make much grammatical sense. Maybe write something like: 'Nothing could be heard on this quiet day.'

curtains covering the windows and parks are locked.


This confused me. For now it looks like you're saying that the curtains covering the windows were locked as well as the parks. I understand what you're saying, but maybe separate the two details so we don't get mixed up.

So quiet most of the people at this neighbourhood know whats happening except for on man named Steve he is a 21 year old man he doesn't have a mother or father they died no one knows how they died but he is looking for clues.


This sentence is very long. Break it down a bit, and, if possible, create some suspense. This is an interesting bit, make it sound more exciting. How about: 'So quiet most of the neighbourhood know what's happening - apart from one twenty-one year old man. Steve. He doesn't have parents - yet no one knows how they died. It's up to their son to look for clues' or something like that... You know what I mean :D

Steve heard something "GO AWAY!!! Can't you see there is danger?" said the weird voice.


Make sure you start a new line with speech. Also, I think it would be effective enough if you just put one exclamation mark after 'Go away'.

as he continues to walk he heard a strange sound behind him


This is a new sentence. Make sure you put a capital 'A' on 'as'.

"don't worry i'll help you said this stranger


The 'D' should be capital and so should the 'i' on 'i'll'. Also, remember to put quotation marks ending the speech.

Anyways there's only us three here[i]."


I don't think that [i] should be there. You probably noticed it before but I just thought I'd point it out anyway. :D

Overall: You need to make sure you get the tenses right. Stick to one tense: past, or present?
Anyway, with these improvements it could a good story. Sorry if I was being harsh :shock:
Tell me when you've got more!
Keep writing :D

User avatar
Ice Fang Comment

sorry guys i got a spelling mistake it is supposed to be sense of danger not sense of sanger.



I'd be a quote vigilante. A literary Batman. Someone had better be quoting me now!
— Feltrix